RIP- My Beloved Bud
Yesterday, or was it the day before, my mind is still crazy… I had to put down one of my dogs that I had for 14 years. The whole week was like a haze and depressing because knew i had to do it but couldnt. I probably hung on too long but you know how that is.
I paced, I cried,I tossed and turned in my sleep. I adopted him when he was two, a rescue that had been dropped off in a remote area, the Adirondacks, to fend for himself. In a few weeks he learned to kill and hunt. He was a large akita named Bud. The vet call me begging me to take him. They had him a few months and needed to find a home or put him down. I said no. I then tossed and turned all night and finally they got me to come see him. I didnt think it would work with the dogs i already had, he was aggressive, but I also couldnt see him put down. I took him home kept him my garage and slowly brought him into my home.
I will never forget the time he tried to bite me and I threw myself on him, pinning him down. He was strong as hell and angry. I laid on top of him for 30 minutes until the fight was gone. He never did that again. Instead he became a loyal companion and we had an incredible journey together. He became a loved member of my family.
With him I had two other dogs that passed on due to health reasons. He hung in there and for the next 14 years he remained a faithful companion by my side. He was a cat killer and small animals but I knew this was something he learned to do living in the wild. Loving him along with so many other animals was a challenge but somehow it was worth it.
This past year he became frail and was hard to get up. We went for walks and I would look in his eyes and knew the time was near. I will never forget a night I went into his room, away from every other animals except his faithful, also rescued Wonder Dog… he laid his head in my lap, moaned and then gave me a serious look. Wonder Dog began to cry and whimper.
This past week I paced, He couldnt get up, pooped on his bed and i knew the day was getting close. Wonder Dog also paced and cried. One morning I wake up out of a dead sleep, it was 4 am and I found him stiff, unable to get up under a pile of poo. I crawled down onto the floor and held him. I looked in his eyes and although blind in one the other penetrated me and I knew it was time.
It has got to be the hardest thing in the world. that final journey. When you know you must say goodbye but you’re just not ready… you’re never ready. Part of you wants to step away and not see what will happen but another part of you knows that you MUST be there, say goodbye and hold him as he leaves this life. My nephew loaded him into the van. I cried the whole way there. I wrapped him in my comforter I had for 10 years, my scent. He laid there confused but knowing.
I held him in my arms as the vet came out to the van and gave him the injection. He looked at me. He starred and them his stare went blank. Some strange peace came over me. I couldnt even believe I did that but I did and then we wrapped him up in that green comforter and I brought him back to the farm where my nephew had a place for him.
Sometimes I go to feed him and remember he’s gone. Sometimes I walk to the window and see the mound. I think about what flowers I’ll plant there or how I can honor this big wonderful dog that brought so much love into my life. No matter how many animals I have or will ever have, there is a void, a sadness that is unparalleled to anything. No matter your beliefs of reincarnation and death, your hearts feels empty and the pain penetrates you. But then you have moments when you feel this great light flood over you and you realize that love, that unconditional love was worth every drop of pain.
My sweet handsome boy. I love you, miss you and know in my heart that one day I shall see you again.